Please Define “Friend”

I was at the club the other night bothering my coworkers when a woman came up to me and started complaining about our GM being rude to her. Now, he IS a rude dude I won’t even bother trying to lie. However, she told me that she was pestering him so him being rude made total sense. I have no sympathy for people experiencing consequences.

Her friend came up to me and was like “don’t judge her!” To which I replied “I’m not, she’s probably a fine person but she was being annoying and rude herself.” These chicks are drunk as hell, by the way. Another “don’t judge” comment comes out of this girl so I tell her she’s projecting. Next thing I know, she’s telling me that she’s been contemplating suicide for a long time.

Now, in this situation you have so many choices. You could walk away, you could laugh loudly, or you could dig a little deeper. I’m a curious person, so of course I took this invitation to dig inside her head as much as she’d allow me.

We go to the smoking section and she unravels like a cheap sweater. I’m not going to put all of her personal stuff out here but a few things struck me as things I’ve experienced too. It’s weird meeting someone and they turn out to be a past version of you.

She feels like her friends would judge her for these “dark” (her words) feelings and thoughts, so she couldn’t open up to them. She also said a few things that point to her having surrounded herself with “friends” that put her in a position where they need her help but they could never help her in return. One of the worst places to be for those who need real support. I asked her if she was “the strong friend” and she said yes. I shook my head, trying to get the pity out of my mind. From the rest of our conversation I knew she needed someone more like herself in her life, so I gave her my card. Unfortunately I never did end up hearing from her. I really do hope she is happier today.

Now I’m going to say something as someone who was once that girl and is now able to speak freely about things that come with being in that place: FUCK THOSE PEOPLE. THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS AT ALL.

Someone you call a friend should not put the fear of rejection in your mind when it comes to asking for help. Friends are not people you have to constantly help sort out their own problems. Keeping people in your life that use you as a fixed point of contact is only draining you. You’re creating a pattern in your mind where you will feel like you can’t be friends with someone unless you’re better than them in that way. Even worse, you’ll feel like you can’t be friends with someone if you have nothing to offer them. At best it’s a breeding ground for toxic dynamics that can not be sustained long term.

There’s nothing wrong with helping a friend but if you are constantly being used for support and feel that you’re not able to tell your friends what’s going on in your head, you should consider giving your support to someone who really needs it—you.